Fading Away

Fullmoon on a beach camp in Laos, 2008. Bye!

At the absolute last light at 6.20pm, I stopped.

All the stars were now visible and beautifully displayed in the clear crisp laotian winter night.

I ticked off the things I must do: put on sprayjacket, put in some food, set up the cave light as headlamp,... talked to someone (?).

When I was done, all light had faded away. For a moment I could not tell which direction is downstream and waited for the current for help. Thousands of insects suddenly appeared out of nowhere and flew in madness around my light and my deck, which was illuminated by the light. I realized later that they all started to die on my deck, which eventually left an unwashable stain.

The cave light was not working well as a headlight. The glow from the waterproof container was blinding. Just as I was thinking of a solution, I felt lots of water in my kayak which was not normal. I had just pumped a while ago.

It was then that I realized Fullmoon probably had a bad leak somewhere. I tried to make out where I was and gauged the distance I still have to paddle. For the first few minutes after the discovery, I was angry and chastised myself for getting into this situation. I pumped and paddled even harder, still maintaining my goal of catching the team mid-way.

After one of the numerous stoppage and exhausting pumps, I looked up at the sky for a spectacular view of the stars. I took out my face mask to cover my cave light for a better view (which incidentally helped me solved the problem of the blinding glow). It was amazing just sitting in darkness, in complete silence, on a river, watching the display of stars. It was as if I should be doing this every night.

"It was not a matter of "if" but "when". The lads were infront, and I am paddling in that direction and in the only one way I knew. I will get there sooner or later. I had to get into a rythmn with the stoppage and pumping, and start to enjoy this experience.", I told myself.

After these thoughts, things got much easier with the paddling. I was no longer in some mad rush. But as I started my relaxed paddle down the dark river, there was also a complete loneliness and sadness, like those you get being compelled to move on in life... knowing this was my last night with Fullmoon...

Sometimes, a decision for the right happiness causes sadness.

[I eventually reached the river lodge some 15 minutes after the team had reached it. They were apparently paddling very deliberately and cautiously down the river. In the end we had a sumptuous meal and was in celebratory mood, knowing that the next day is the last day of the expedition.]